Tuesday, February 3, 2009

painted faces

sigh another tiring day ergo another post with irrational outbursts of topics that might seem random to you but is totally relevant to me. get used to it hahah

i honestly dont know what i should blog about. there's so many things i want to say i want to show i want to let out but i wonder if i should really do it here? i dont even know if anybody reads this based on the lack of response showed and i've pretty often thought of shutting this blog down altogether. its not easy to keep 2 blogs updated so frequently, complete with pics and all those descriptive shit hahah you know how descriptive i can become. painfully so.

but anyways like i said, i really dont know. some things, there's just no black or white. pictures. i have taken so many pictures within the last few days that i have to open a new folder for them, called "after STPM & other random craziness". and i've blog about some of them in the past few posts.

but now i wonder, is it really right to post up so many pictures of myself and my friends on the net, for the whole world to see? like many people said, "you never know who's reading". heck i mean some of these could even be used against me or my friends in the future. then no need post lah, you might say. but i want my other friends to know what i did. i dont wanna tell different people the same thing over and over again. i want them to see what i saw and what i did and everything. i do want people to know what kind of person i really am (to a certain extent since i dont exactly post up things that are really personal to me nor do i post up my opinions/feelings/thoughts up here).

then there's the issue of family members finding out about this. and they'll definitely talk. there are some things i just dont feel comfortable with them knowing, like the fact that i swear like nobody's business or that i camwhore so shamelessly so much.

then there some times that i feel real crappy and i have to blog about stuff and its hard to keep the negativity from the posts here. like the recent death of my uncle, it hit me real bad. its rather difficult to blog about my happyhappy day life without giving any hint of how i am currently dealing with it. it wasn't that i was potraying something that wasn't real or drawing a perfect image, its just that at that moment that i am writing about it, something else might be in my mind, something else might be bothering me and i can't let it out. yah i could immediately go to my private blog and rant it all out there but then wouldn't the post i started here be tinged by ohidontknow a sense of pretence?

you want to know something really silly? sometimes, i really believe that everybody has a heart. that things will be ok as long as people are honest and sincere towards each other. that, in essence, people are kind. meaning everybody has a wall and whats behind the wall for everybody is the same. a soul, if i may say so. and if everybody just see that, it'd be great. but just sometimes.

but then other times i am proven that i was actually very very very wrong in believing so.

faith is a very difficult thing to keep. i doubt any of you actually get what i am saying but honestly, i dont care. if some people actually do get it, then i am glad, perhaps we are kindred spirits hahah it is not often that people understand. heck i dont even know why i am saying all this in this public blog. maybe im subconsciously trying to say something, wanting to be heard, perhaps? well. whatever.

i guess time will tell if i should delete this whole thing.

goodnight. i had a nice night watching gilmore girls and one tree hill :D

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