Monday, September 28, 2009

i feel like the colour grey.

this car was driving really dangerously near terri's car and all 3 of us in the passenger/backseat yelled "fucker!" at the exact same time.

then i realised, im home wtf.

of gay-porns, last minute yc sessions, lame dirty jokes (involving partition wtf), calling people names (yo rainforest), racist jokes, lectures on making racist jokes (hello arti), unfiltered language, randomly speaking bm, hoiyin, second places and of course, the beach.

honey, im home.

(whoops i just realised i gave a totally negative impression of myself hahahah!)

will blog about Best Holiday Week Ever later.

but here's a sneak peak :D

of course, its not purely about that. its about the feeling of belonging. the feeling of going back to something i had been so accustomed to. being in the same persekitaran and budaya for so many years, then suddenly being yanked out and thrown into a totally different new persekitaran, there's a certain sense of loss that comes with it. its inevitable i guess.

(haha you can so tell i had a severe case of homesickness.)

then just now, in the bus back to my hostel, i realised that coming back to usm, i had put myself on auto-pilot again. everything seems so automatic, i had a strong feeling of not being here at all. how do i make myself clear? hmm it feels as if im living here, doing the things i do everyday like going to classes and all, yet i dont feel myself. i dont feel the presence of my being here.

its as if as soon as i stepped into usm, i put myself on hold and let another being of me take over. i dont like myself like this. i dont know how to change it though. perhaps time will help? but the thing is, im not even sure if i want to change this.


there are some jolly moments though, however brief and rare they may be, leave me feeling more of myself than i ever could. these simple and (usually) utterly random moments pulls me out of the haze and keeps me from completely losing myself. it is not often i can say that i enjoyed myself very much here in usm, but on the occasions that i do, i really do. so im really glad i found the friends that i found here :D

things can never be the same as it used to be in highschool, obviously. i guess ill have to get used to this and in the midst of the all the unfamiliarities and crapload of assignments, find myself again.

how sickeningly cliche. but i suppose cliches are cliches for a reason.

damn i cannot believe how personal this post is hahah i have a lot of things to say, to tell and to show. but to whom should i say, tell and show to? who really cares anyways.

gawd i dont even know what im talking about anyways. the real motive of writing this is to escape the reality of having to write a 20-page paper due tomorrow morning which i've yet to start anyways. sorry if i tricked you into thinking this post is written for the purpose of writing it. call me crazy. no, really, call me crazy.

im hungry.

gawd i hate this post. i've half a mind to delete it.

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