Wednesday, February 17, 2010

roses and thorns.


As you might've noticed, updates have been rare and far in-between. This is not, by any chance, due to a lacking of things to say or a scarcity of events/happenings/outings/going-ons recently. In fact, if i may say so myself, this semester seem to be brimming with so many interesting things to see/do/go that at times i have to make a difficult decision in choosing my preference. Gawd why do i sound so formal and cold.

Written words, i feel sometimes, are just too cold and unfeeling. Perhaps that is precisely why pictures are painted, songs are sang and music are created for.

Oh gawd I"m digressing again.

What i am trying to say is, the year 2010 started off fabulously enough.
In the midst of excellent company, irrelevant laughers and perhaps a tinge of alcohol, one could not help but feel rather optimistic in expecting a good year ahead. I was all ready to welcome in another year, proudly thinking that what with all i have gone through in the past year, things could only get better and that i have grown much stronger, perhaps even ready to make the best lemonades out of the lemons life will be throwing at me.

I was wrong, apparently.

With all said and done, i am now back to square one. I am exactly where i am one year ago. Nothing has changed. Nothing.

I could not be any more disappointed with myself.

Things have been difficult this year, i must admit. Waves and waves of er lemons are thrown at me from different directions, each being so close apart i barely have time to heal before having to brace myself for another blow. 

It's tiring. 

I'm so exhausted.

And it's taking even more strength to live my everyday life normally, as if nothing is wrong. As a rule, i do not like to burden people with my troubles. I may be bursting with things to say and just as i open my mouth to say it, some part of me stops me. It's bloody well frustrating you know, to need to say out so many things and not having the right words, or even confidence, to spill it all. It's hard you know, because sometimes i just dont want to keep these thoughts to myself.

I mean, who likes a pessimist anyways? People always like the cheerful energetic bubbly smiley optimist, who wants to hang out with the gloomy brooding quiet dark-faced pessimist anyways? 

Though that may be a little dramatic. I'm not that  broody and I'm like, totally bubbly wtf. Most of the time, that is. I still have my sense of humor thank God for that haha.

Again, I digress wtf.

Though sometimes, having so many trying personal issues to deal with, exhibiting a certain normalcy outside kind of keeps things in control. Heck, it's even comforting to a certain extent. 

Though, i dare say,

With the correct fusion of certain friends, lame/crazy jokes, hearty laugher and roti tisu, one could be easily lead to believe that things are not that bad after all, however brief that somewhat naive belief may be. Regrettably, it only lasts until one finds oneself alone again, staring at those same confining walls, with the repressed negativity creeping in again while searching desperately for an answer to it all. 

Searching too, for strength. 

I sound like some cheesy script writer for some local B-grade movie. Or worse, an angsty teen pouring out her hearts content, hoping for someone to rescue the damsel in distress. Or worse worse, lyric-writer for some teen disney pop boyband's debut ballad. Urgh. Please.

I just need to find my strength again.

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