Sunday, May 15, 2011

the light before we land

It's inevitable, as it always has been. 
The semester break commences, and I go back.

Back, not home, mind. Because home is somewhere else;
somewhere cosier, somewhere more familiar in its scent and sight,
somewhere on which the term home could no longer be used legitimately.
Just like a very close friend whom having left Malaysia more than a decade ago,
still calls this land home, I don't think I could ever call any other place home. This small rented place on Jalan Tiga, with the bougainvillea tree at the front, its heavy clusters of deep purple blossoms an exquisite facade for its decaying insides; this is the home that I speak of. This is where the heart is.

It's inevitable. 

How every time I take a little holiday, I distance myself from the outside world.
Holing up the in the rooms here, I read and reread. Old favourites, mostly.
I stay here alone, I read. I watch and I listen too, taking the time to relish every little bit. 
I indulge in doing nothing close to productive, merely spending some quality time with myself.
I cease to pick up calls from acquaintances, I neglect my multiple cyberspace personas, I abandon such things as emails and inboxes, and even simple things like replying text messages (however sweet the sender could be) slips my mind without much effort. For slacking in keeping in touch, I am truly sorry.

Then again, I can't help it. It is to be expected.
because this is the best time for some soul-searching.
because after months of being in the (excellent) company of (excellent) people,
one needs a little time for oneself. One needs to figure things out and do a little thinking, a little rearranging and clarifying of thoughts and sentiments in regards to pretty much everything.
It is at times like these that I have my own opinion about everything, and I have so much to say, so many things to respond to, so many thoughts to express that I feel I could go on typing like this forever.

Though more often than not, I keep all these to myself, letting slip only the occasional sentiment or two in the most ambiguous way possible. I am very much a contradiction, as you would know if you've been with me long enough. I say one thing, and I do another. I believe one thing, and I act on another. I think one thing, and I feel another. I say I keep everything to myself, and here I am giving away to such profound, reflective thoughts that should remain to a great extent, private. Chances are, I won't even publish this here.

I've always believed that nothing is ever absolute.
In any given situation, philosophy, or assertions, there would always be an exception.
There is always a "but..'.  There is always, without a doubt,  a way out of it, whatever it is.

Truthfully, I don't even know where I am going with this. Please don't take me too seriously, or analyse to deeply the things I've just said. It wasn't  expressed with much organisation, nor rationalization. Let's just think of this as a midnight articulation of what is going through my mind as of this moment, sans the ever-present mental filter. Unguarded and unpremeditated (pretty sure this is a valid word wtf). Don't judge.  

Will stop now for mind is getting too full of twists and turns and branching offs in different directions. Will have to resort to Arashi for some fluffy entertainment and fangirlism. That's why they're escapism. 

Especially since the kitteh is so far away from me.

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