Thursday, January 24, 2013

Word Play

What's that word for it...frustrated? Stifled? Repressed? I don't know if there's a word for this feeling. Cowardly, perhaps. I feel so bottled up lately, and so lifeless. That feeling you feel when the world out there is vibrant and exciting, and here you are lying on my bed reading a book on a weekend. A complete opposite of living life to the fullest. Rather than going out having fun on a day off, I'd choose to stay home, laze around and be a couch potato read a book. Don't know when I started being like this. There's always been a part of me that enjoys this, yes, but lately this side has been taking over too much for my own comfort. I used to love going out, meeting my dear friends and going on little roadtrips here and there. 

Now it seems like all I want to do is to lay back, relax and not be bothered to do anything. The few times I spent with friends lately I find myself zoning out. Half listening, half stoning. I can feel myself reacting to their words inside, but my facial expression remains the unchanged. But when I'm alone at home, and I look at Instragram I look at Twitter I look at Facebook, everyone is having such a great time meeting people going places doing things having yummy food just living life in the best way possible with the greatest friends and here I am, looking out to this colourful world that used to be mine. What has changed, pray tell, dear self On the rare occasions that people ask me out, I overthink about dressing up, putting on makeup, driving there, finding the way, deciding where to hangout/eat, forking out cash (money's tight okay!) and driving back again. 

As much as I (used to) love driving, it sucks sometimes. Like when you have had a good time with great company and to leave all that to drive back such a long way home alone, that's not a particularly pleasant feeling. Funny how one can feel so alone in such a heavily populated city as Kuala Lumpur. Ahh, perhaps this is the problem. The leaving. The drive back. The looping tracks on the CD. The quiet of the engine. The walk to the lift. The locked doors. The dark hallway. The empty house. The empty room. The empty bed. Yes, that's the word. I found it now. The word is empty.

I don't believe I like this feeling very much. Sigh. Writing always helps in figuring things out.


Now what am I supposed to do with this word?

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