Wednesday, June 12, 2013

one week of danger


Was lying on my bed, towel draped on one arm while the other repeatedly scrolling up and down on all my social media pages, when I realized that I wasn’t really looking at my phone at all. My eyes are set on my phone but my mind, thousands of miles away in a blurry fog. Subconsciously I was actually thinking about what's going on tomorrow, mentally checking my to-do list, wondering what to wear tomorrow and most importantly, what am I looking forward to tomorrow. 

Then I realized again that I've been doing that everyday, lying on my bed at the end of everyday wondering what to look forward to the next day. Be it a good breakfast (Honey Stars - now with moon too! - is my current favourite), or a nice meal out with good company, or a visit to my favourite store at the mall, or even an interesting event where I get to meet some familiar faces. I guess these are the kind of short-term daily things that I look forward to these days. Long-term wise, I don't really have much going for me lol ok I'm actually thinking for a trip to Osaka + Kyoto in Autumn 2014 but tickets are not booked yet so I'm not taking my chances in looking forward to something that's not set in stone. Disappointment sucks, but add Japan in the equation and any disappointment will double up if not triple. 

Shit man I have so much on my to-do list but here I am. Well, kind of drafted this all in my head when I was in the showers so I guess execution won't take as much time as usual. That's pretty much describes how I am these days, doing one thing but my head's in another. Driving to work, but checking all my social media activities. Having lunch, but wondering what's pending after lunch. Attending an event, but asking myself what's going on in the office. Leaving event, checking emails on the way back. Clocking out from office, but going through everything in my head to see if I missed out on any work matters. Reach home and have dinner in front of the tele, the mind keeps quiet for a while. Wash the dishes and clean up ('cause I'm always the last to have dinner), thinking what time will I be going to bed that night. Got into bed, going through social media one last round, double checking my two alarms and calculating how many hours of sleep do I get to have that night. Ain't this life exciting. The only time when I'm really in the moment is when I'm at work, because one can't afford to have one's mind drifting off and well, things actually get quite exciting at work especially when there's deadlines to rush or exciting events coming up and all that jazz. 

Honestly I don't really know what I'm trying to say either, except that I feel really tired. I just want to shut off my brain and be like a jellyfish. Don't know why jellyfish, the image just popped in my mind. Funny how all these kind of feelings solidifies into actual solid thoughts and words at times like this, probably because positivity takes effort and I don't have much left. Am pessimistic by default kan. When I was younger, I didn't really have much aim nor ambition in life wtf I was all for having the time of my life but as time passes, I realized that the one thing I really wanted was to live my life the way I want. Whether it is to buy something I like, or to do something I like, or go wherever I wanted, or to look the way I wanted, or please the people I care about, I can't do much with what I have right now. 

Screw all that money can't buy happiness shit, because money certainly can make life so fucking comfortable it can equal to happiness. That's what I'm doing now, working my way to the kind of life I want where I can buy an unnecessary item like a proper camera, or spent a whole month sitting by the beach reading all my favourite books, or live in the countryside (ideally in Japan wtf) for a bit, or buy that kickass high end skincare that'll get rid of my developing wrinkles, or have enough to support my family so my dad doesn't have to work anymore his age, or take my mom on a holiday where she can walk freely and see the world, or plan a fabulous getaway with my friends who desperately need one right now. These are the kind of things I want to do and I need to reach a point in life where I can actually accomplish that and just do the hell I want. Fuck man it's so frustrating sometimes. 

But hey, let's get realistic, I want a plump little figure in my bank account but sure as hell I want to enjoy life a little too so I'm definitely not skipping out on life's little indulgences like my fortnightly Japanese food cravings, the occasional weekend brunch, the cup of Starbucks latte or two, the comfy coloured pants on sale, the rare daytrip getaway and such!  Makeup and skincare is a dilemma though, I don't know if these are considered necessities or indulgences. Because I'm vain like that I think I need to look decent enough to see people hahaha but these kind of things costs. Lately though, on a whim, I've decided to challenge myself by putting on less makeup and skipping my number one essential, the BB cream! What I do now is mix a little concealer with my trusted sunblock for a super sheer coverage, and after that another light dabbing of concealer on the problematic areas like my dark circles (thank God for makeup seriously) and my acne scars to even out the skintone. A final dusting of loose powder, touch up eyebrows, a dash of mascara, lipbalm and that's it! No negative (nor positive wtf) comments so far so I'm guessing it didn't backfire hahaha so I get to save a little on BB cream and a whole lot of time. Here's today's BB-less eyeliner-less lipstick-less blusher-less look at the end of the day. Both photograph may seem similar, but certainly not the same, only a girl can tell the difference haha! 


Speaking of being female, I don't know if it's a sign of aging or whatnot, but I've started having cramps since a couple of months ago. Everything used to be fine and dandy but now it's like crampin' so hard it crampin' my mood which makes me real tired and mangzhang. Like just this Monday, wah dugaan hidup maximum with the service (or lack thereof) at certain supermarkets that I just couldn't bother to give face wah total bitch mode on. Spent more than half a working day running around and dealing with difficult people, hey that's life right but doesn't mean I can't complain wtf. Especially when I'm actually still in mangzhang mode which explains this long-ass rambling which I'm pretty sure I'll regret posting in a couple of days. So please do not use anything against me because I might not feel that same way in a couple of days. Disclaimer itu penting ye. But hey, YOLO. I blame it all on aging and friggin' PMS. Fuck this shit. 

2 comments:

  1. I think the cramps come with an unhealthy lifestyle lol, which seems to be the case for me compared to when I was in school when I didn't have cramps!

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  2. AUDREY REALLY AH? O__O

    I think you're right. Sitting on my ass in front of a laptop for almost ten hours a day is as unhealthy as it get. Damnnnnn.

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